Watching the Sun Set
by Catlover friendly-but-xplosive
Summary: We're leaving. I'm leaving. Leaving behind the place of nightmares, into the darkness of a changed galaxy, with a Force sensitive baby under my care. I'm doing the right thing. Right? Then why does it feel like I'm doing the wrong thing? TThemes- on halt
1. Disaster

I'm writing this story for the diary challenge on the Jedi Council Forums. I'm jazjediundercover if anyone wants to talk to me there.

XX

Day 1

The clones turned on us suddenly. We went from been the generals to the enemies for no apparent reason. They got my master. I saw him die… heard him tell me to leave, run, save myself… and I did. I left him there. I feel so guilty, but I know at the same time that if I hadn't, they would have killed me too… they shot at me, for sure, but I just managed to get away… they got my leg.

Keira's Master is with me too. Master Velli. He's meditating. Trying to see if anyone is left. I've tried too, but the dark side clouds everything. I don't think Master Velli is having any more luck than I did. I'm so lost, and confused. There's nothing that we did, no reason for them to turn on us.

We're hiding now, in the forest. I used to like Kashykk. Now it's a death-trap for me, and every other Jedi. Why why why did the clones turn on us? What did we do?

We daren't sleep. They might find us. I'm so tired I just want to pass out, but if I did I wouldn't wake up again. My eyelids are drooping and I can't feel the Force. It's all dark. I'm scared. Everyone is. Master Velli is frantic, trying to sense for others or the clones…

We need to move again… they're coming.

XX

Please R&R!


	2. A New Beginning

Day 5

Still evading the clones… they were never programmed to give up, but I thought that would never be bad for me… for us. We're in town now. We got rid of our Jedi cloaks days ago, but not our lightsabres. They're hidden, mine up my sleeve. I really don't want to use it.

The throngs of people don't notice us. We just blend in with them. Hopefully the clones will miss us too. I don't want to die!

Hang on, clones ahead… we gotta get out of here. But… they're after that woman; she's screaming and clutching her baby… what's with that? We can't just sit back… can't just watch. That goes against everything we stand for. But there's no we anymore. Just scattered and hunted remnants. Still. We can't just let that happen.

They're firing now. The crowd is scattering, and we're still here. One of the clones shoots the woman. She screams and drops the child. Now we move into action, sabres blazing. The crowds gasp watching us and the clone order his men to fire…

Master Velli is down! Gives me the child, tells me to run… I don't want to, not again. But then I look at the baby in my arms, calmly looking up at me. I run, hear Master Velli scream… but I keep running. For my life. For this child's life. It feels so wrong, yet so right. I'm saving a life. Isn't that right?

I'm hiding my face in my acquired cloak as the transport lifts off, the baby cradled in my arms, asleep. She should have been crying. She shouldn't be sleeping, with the excitement. But if it makes our escape easier, I won't complain.

I never wanted to be a mother. Looks like its been forced on me. I'll make the best of the situation, as my training taught me to do. I'll train the child, in secret. Our order has to be passed on, be remembered, the way we were.

We're leaving. I'm leaving. Leaving behind the place of nightmares, into the darkness of a changed galaxy, with a Force sensitive baby under my care. I'm doing the right thing. Right? Then why does it feel like I'm doing the wrong thing?


	3. New Life, New Purpose

Day 17

I'm watching the galaxy fall into darkness. Sometimes the grief simply overwhelms me, and I just want to give up. But then I look at the sleeping child I've decided to call Keira, in memory of the best friend I ever had, the wisest person I've ever met. If anyone would have made it in the world, she would have. She should have had a chance.

Keira turns in her sleep and I see her innocent face. I don't regret saving her. Innocence doesn't deserve to die for having an inherent ability she can't control. But what if I could have done more? Could I have saved the mother? No. I can't wonder about that. If I start thinking like that, I'll go mad. I need to concentrate on Keira. I need to train her in our ways. They must not fade to darkness.

The window of the deserted hut stares back at me as I gaze at it. It's night here on Chandrila. I like it here, as much as I like anything. Very democratic, and friendly to the Rebellion, as fledgling as it is so far. They don't mind us been here, and we can live near technology.

Not everyone knows I'm a Jedi. Only the Senator, Mon Mothma, knows that. I'm just hiding from the Empire as far as they know, and a lot of people do that. But something in my walk, in my eyes, seems to give it away. It's the walk of every surviving Jedi, who has lost everything they held dear to them.

I've not lost everything. I have a purpose, and that purpose is to make sure Keira survives. That she knows to hide, and pass the knowledge on. Maybe we can rebuild someday. Maybe someone else made it out too.

Now that I look back on my beloved Order, I see flaws, cracks. We were arrogant… all of us. 20 000 years of superiority left its mark. And as much as it hurts to look back on the painful past, they were some of the best times of my life. The only thing I ever knew. Now I'll never go back to it, and I'm almost glad. We were too far removed from the universe, compassionate as we were. Or was that false?

I need to buy more food soon. I've run out of credits, but some people are compassionate and let me have it free. I think some of them know. Others I can do odd jobs for, for coin or supplies. They all see and wonder about the pain in my eyes, but I'm not going to tell them. There are still rats about, even here.

Well, morning is coming. Keira will wake up soon. I need to eat, bathe, meditate, generally get ready for the day, as pointless as it may feel. I still have to live for Keira. That' all I can manage now.


	4. Stick in There

Day 23

Mon Mothma came to visit me today, asked how I was coping. I spoke honestly, told her I wasn't. That I had no experience with this sort of stuff, and I guess she thought it sounded funny because she laughed and took my hands in hers. It's been a long time since anyone did that- at least it feels like a long time. It's only really been what, 20 days? Hard to believe. The last time anyone took my hands was the day before the clones turned on us, and that was my Master telling me it would be alright, that we would all get out, not to worry. I wish I could go back to that. It seems so simple now.

She said to me, "Hoki, you're in a tough situation and I don't envy you for it. But don't give up. Never give up. I know you're struggling with your emotions and just want to break down, but you must stay strong for Keira. She's depending on you." Then she squeezed my hand and told me she'd be here for me if I needed anything, and left.

I looked at Keira after she left; playing with some blocks I bought for her. She looks so innocent, so happy. Did I look innocent and happy as a baby? If I looked as happy as Keira, I was one happy baby. At least I think so. I've never seen many other babies. I helped with the older children as an initiate, but never the babies.

I'm so unprepared for this. I never saw any need to read up on how to raise babies, I was a Jedi. Is one with no order still a Jedi? Or are they something else, lost souls swimming in a deep dark lake, always swimming, but still sinking, slowly but surely? Does the darkness whisper at everyone left, tempting them with its offer of relief from the pain? Is this normal, or is something wrong with me?

I'm so confused; I don't know what to think. I used to have a yardstick to measure myself by, but was that yardstick flawed? Does that mean all the Jedi were wrong in the head or something? Was it us, or our Order that was wrong? Was going to war right or wrong? I mean, I know we had to, but should we have refused? But would that be hiding from responsibility? I don't know what to think, all these thoughts swimming around my head with no one to ask, and no answers.

No answers, and too many questions.


	5. Tiny Changes

Day 45

Over a month has passed, but it still feels like yesterday. Somehow I think it always will. That I'll always wake up drenched in sweat, tears pouring down my cheeks. Is this how every survivor feels? Like their heart will tear in half any minute? Do they always find fresh tears to cry, no matter how many they're already cried?

Keira's grown again, barely perceptibly. Most people wouldn't have noticed, but I watch her all the time, not every tiny change. If I don't, I'll go mad. She's my link to the world, to my sanity. To hope. As long as I'm around her, I'll be alright. Their ghosts won't haunt me.

I'll have to get myself a proper job soon. I can't live off these people forever. It wouldn't be right. And they'll need to throw every spare credit towards the rebellion. Every credit helps. I know.

I haven't used the Force since that day. I'm going to have to get over my fear of it before I train Keira, which gives me a few years. I can't start training her until I can impress on her the nessesity of secrecy. But I just can't handle it yet. It radiates pain, anger, and shadowing these, darkness. A great black darkness that swallows everything in its path. No hope can exist while that black darkness covers the Force.

I admire the defiant spirit of the Chandrilians. But they're so naieve. They really believe the new Emperor can be foisted from his throne. Only a Jedi has any chance of succeeding, and all the remaining Jedi are in exile and broken. Surely they realise this. But I haven't the heart to tell them. It warms my heart to see someone fighting back.

I only wish it were me. But I have to watch Keira, and I'm not ready. If I fought, I would take out my rage, my grief, on the troops, clone or not. I don't want to turn to the darkness.

But I still wish it were me.


	6. One Year Later

One Year Later

I finally found myself a job. I knew what I could do, but I never had to look for a job before, my future was always assured. The only questions were whether I'd take a Padawan or not, eventually try for a seat on the Council… well, that choice has been made for me now. I have a Padawan, whether or not I want her. Our arts need to be passed on, our history. And most importantly, who we are, what we represent. What we believe. The Emperor will take all that from the universe, but we have to be remembered the way we really were. We weren't the monsters he's portraying us as.

Keira's grown over the past year. Now she's toddling around with a huge toothy grin, and I can't help but to smile back, even though I don't feel like it. When I smile, I remember her smile. Her quick wit, her kindness, her compassion. And it hurts. It hurts worse than anything I've ever seen or experienced. Hell can't be much worse than this.

If I didn't have Keira, I would have gone mad long ago. Madness still threatens in unguarded moments, when I allow my mind to drift. It always drifts back to her… to that day.

I can still feel my fear, smell the burning flesh… hear the screams. The terrible screams as the Jedi, my friends, were slaughtered. I'm positive I was screaming too. I still feel my leg burning as the blasters burned through it, and the Force screamed.

I haven't touched it since that day. I'm not brave enough. My memory of that time is too fresh. Far too fresh. It will take years for the wounds inflicted on that day to start healing, and even then they will never fully heal. At best, they will be covered by a bandaid, and Keira is my bandaid.

I'm always afraid someone will find out my secret, a rat will catch on, and tell the Emperor. Then it'll be finished for us here. We'll have to move, and I want Keira to grow up and train in a secure environment, something I can't provide her. I wish I could.

Mon Mothma visits me frequently, supports me however she can. But she can't give me too much, or draw attention to me. We both understand. The risk is too high, for both of us. If the Emperor found out she was helping a Jedi, well, lets say the penalty for starting the Rebellion is beginning to look very attractive.

And on top of that, I'm screwed, as is Keira. I didn't save her to watch her die. And unlike her namesake, I can do something for her. And I will. Keira deserved a chance at live, and in my mind this baby is my dear friend's chance at another life. My chance to make up for my inaction. To make my mark on the galaxy, hoping my life will amount to something. That our legacy will live on. Possibly even to a new order, even if I don't live to see it.

It's enough for me to know we won't be forgotten.


	7. A Comforting Hand

10 days later

I feel really strange, like the Force is trying to tell me something and I'm not listening. It's becoming very insistent. I feel it is important… but I'm too cowardly to touch it again and find out. Some Jedi I am.

I'll just have to face my fears. I'll have to listen to what it says… and then act on it. Like I always used to. Like we always used to. I remember my Master telling me once that if we face our fears they vanish. But this one is too deeply rooted in me to just vanish.

Okay, I used it again. It wasn't as bad as I would have feared… almost like a comforting hand. It didn't feel like danger, but I learned my lesson about been complacent. A lesson learned in blood.

Actually, it feels almost friendly. Familiar. And completely alien at the same time. Maybe another survivor? I won't get my hopes up. Hope died with Keira. With the Jedi Order, my family. Hope won't return until the Empire crumbles.

I still have my lightsabre. It's hidden in a secret compartment I stumbled across. The previous occupants kept spice in it, but my Jedi equipment lives in there now. My lightsabre, cloak and tunic, and a holocron my Master gave me during the war.

I talk to it, ask him question. He tells me he was prepared for death. We all were. We just weren't prepared for life.

Keira is using her Force powers recently, stopping balls and that. It hurts to watch. It means I have to use mine soon actively. And that terrifies me.

I wish I could meet another Jedi. That would make everything easier. Keira needs more than one Master. I'm too broken to even touch the Force, let alone train her. And I was only a Padawan, no where near my Trials. I'm not ready for this burden. I need a Master for myself still. I'm not ready to be one.

No where near ready.


	8. Another Survivor

Three months later

I can't believe it! I can't believe it! I can't believe it! For the first time in over a year, I am really and truly happy. When Keira reaches a milestone, well that's nothing to this. I can honestly say I am bursting with joy for the first time since the Clone Wars started. I'm smiling so much my cheeks hurt.

We have a visitor. One who looks to stay for a long time. A survivor.

Someone who understands. He understands my loss and loneliness, my guilt, my rage, everything. His world crashed around him that day too. But he also brought news. Other Jedi survived! Rumour says Master Yoda, and Master Kenobi, are still eluding the Empire. But there's bad new s too.

Apparently… Anakin Skywalker did it. He turned to the darkness and destroyed us. I wish I could say I told you so, that I saw this coming, but the truth is I idolised him. He was what every youngling wanted to be like. Fighting on the front lines, brilliant swordsman, Palpatine's friend. We were all so envious of Ahsoka when she was sent to be his Padawan.

I wonder what happened to Ahsoka. Was she gifted- or cursed as the case may be- with life? I feel so sorry for her. She must feel so bad, so much worse than me. So guilty.

For the first time since the war started, I feel 15 again. My age. The way normal teenagers should. The burden isn't on me now. I'm not soley responsible for Keira. He was a Knight, Sakel, and knows so much more than me. I was only 12 when Master Torlan chose me as a Padawan. I suppose it was because I had potential. But children were taken out of the Temple more because of the war. And not so many were coming in.

I'm not going to let anything ruin my happy mood. I have every right to feel happy. Just because the Emperor has made me feel guilt and grief doesn't mean that's all I'm allowed to fel. I have the right to my little joys. I'm 15 after all. Most kids my age are goofing around like there's no tomorrow, not thinking about the future, without a care. Just this one night I'll try to be like them. I'll pretend I haven't lost anything. I'll pretend I am carefree. I can pull it off just this one night.

Because I am joyous.


	9. Memories

A week later

Master Tahm- he wants me to call him Sil, but somehow I can't- keeps trying to talk to me about the Force. He didn't have clones in his regiment. He knows all his friends are dead, felt them die, but didn't watch them die in front of his eyes. He didn't hear the screams. He doesn't truly understand my fear. Intellectually he does, but he doesn't have my personal experience. He's very frustrated that I keep evading the subject.

He doesn't cry. He's very sad all the time, like me, but he never cries. I don't think he can. I think he locked all his emotions in a safe and threw away the key and that's how he copes. I started crying and never stopped.

At least Keira is happy. She's all smiles all the time. It's refreshing to see someone smiling. I'm proud of that kid. She called me Mama the other day. I mightn't be her true mother, but Keira is like me. The Empire took her real family away from her.

I wish I knew something about her real family. Her blood family. Does she have siblings? Aunts and uncles? A father? She'll grow up without them. Like I did.

Since I started this diary, I've kept up a holocron. It's the only use of the Force I actually use. When she's old enough, I'm giving it to her. Hopefully she can avoid my heartbreak. I wouldn't wish this life any on anyone.

Mon Mothma has met our new friend. She thinks he'll be good for me. I agree with her. I'm just not ready to be helped. Not yet.

I'm watching him teach Keira to meditate. Trying to anyway. She won't sit still. It almost makes me laugh. I haven't laughed in over a year. Not since I entered the war. That was over three years ago. I became a warrior by necessity. I wanted to be a healer.

If I could go back, I know I would. Warn them, if I could. But then I'd never know Keira. I'm not sure if I'd be willing to sacrifice that. A child's love is a remarkable thing. No matter what you do, they still love you. I don't deserve it. She'd be better off with her family anyway, and I with mine. I'd still do it. I don't want her to grow up an outlaw, without a chance to fit in because of her ability.

It would be my duty.


	10. Wondering

A year later

I finally snapped today. Master Tahm tried to talk to me again about the Force, and I blew up in his face, waking Keira. I said, "I don't care anymore. I've had enough of trying to do it right and confront my emotions, but it hurts too much. Just leave me alone and let me stay numb. You never heard their screams. You never heard them die!"

I picked up Keira and stormed outside. Then I started crying, crying like I haven't cried since that day, well over a year ago. Keira kept stroking my cheek saying "It alright Mama. It alright," which of course made me cry harder. She's such a nice kid.

Eventually Tahm came out and apologised quietly. I think he forgot I'm only 16. I know I did. In fact, its my birthday next week. Birthdays don't seem to matter anymore. I can't even remember the last time I laughed. I think it was at the Temple, before the war.

I was so different then. I laughed and had lots of friends, and made them laugh. All the time. I was so happy and smiley. When I returned to the Temple a year later, I stopped smiling. My friends who were still there hardly recognised me. Keira understood though. She had been beside me the whole time.

It's painful to look back, but I refuse to lose those memories. Memories of happy times that will never happen again. Memories of a childhood filled with joy.

I wonder about my own family. Do I have siblings? Parents? Do they wonder about me? Do they know I'm still alive?

I never knew them, as was custom. Visited once when I was 3, but never saw them. I suppose its for the best. If I knew them, and they were rich, I might have been conceited. Or something. In any case, the Jedi Order is my family. Was my family. Am I Jedi still? The Empire would say so, but I'm not sure.

Now Tahm's sitting with me. We're just sitting, not talking or anything. I really like have him here. No matter how frustrated I get, I'll always be glad others survived. I'd hate to carry the future of the Order on my shoulders.

I'll always be glad I have Keira, she's my lifeline. I would never have got this far without her.


	11. Ready

Next week

I'm ready now. I'm ready to use the Force, in small amounts. I think Tahm understands now. I talk in my sleep, apparently. He's heard me screaming and weeping over the year he's been here. He understands the heartbreak and fear.

He finally seems to realise I'm not the only one who needs to confront my emotions. He's having trouble finding the key he threw away after locking his emotions up. I think he'll go to pieces when he does open the vault. I'm better off that way. At least I let them come. I didn't hide from them. I don't envy him, but I won't be able to help him much.

We're going to work on the Force when Tahm is ready. He can teach Keira, but when he needs to work on it himself, he can't. I've done what I can but right now he's crying for the first time since I met him. Weeping like a baby. Like I did.

Mon Mothma hasn't been round in a while. I think she's keeping a low profile so not to call attention to us, but I miss her all the same. She was a great support. I understand though. If she comes round regularly, someone will notice. And she's busy anyway.

I am too. I'm working on my duelling skills at the moment. I've abandoned them, and I'm very rusty. But I'm sure I'll clean up again. I used to be good. I'm sure I can be again.

Anyway, I better practise again. I'm glad I kept this journal, it helped me work through my feelings. Maybe I'll tell Tahm that.

In any case, Keira's waking up. She's such an inspiration.


	12. New Start

The Next Day

I turns out I can help him. We both want the same thing- a listening ear and a kind shoulder to cry on. He kept his feelings pent up all this time, and now they're bursting out. He doesn't have any idea how to cope, so he's asked me.

So I told him how I do it. Remember the happy times, especially. The times they laughed, the things they laughed at. Private jokes. Remember them at their best, not their worst. That's the only way to do them justice. Then move on with your life, and honour their memories. Live enough for all of them. Well, in our case that may be a bit hard. But don't mope around, don't constantly mourn. Get on with your life. That's what they'd want.

Soon I think we'll start working on the Force properly. He needs it as much as I do, he's afraid to do anything beyond levitate stones and teach Keira to meditate. At least he can do that much. So we're going to have to take this really slowly. But I think we'll both get there.

Keira's a bit confused, and I don't blame her. We've been talking a lot, Tahm and me, about the Jedi. She doesn't understand why we're so sad. Someday I'll tell her, all about her namesake, my dear friend. All about the Jedi. And when she's old enough, I'll give her this holocron. Then she'll truly understand the heartache, the pain. The sacrifices we've made.

We lost. The Jedi lost. But we will return.


End file.
